7.08.2007

Driver Speak - A translation guide


Every cyclist with a few miles under their belt has been yelled at by passing motorists at least a million times. Sometimes they throw things too. I can't do anything about that, but I can help you to understand what they are trying to tell you with their seemingly meaningless outbursts. You see, the motorist, in choosing a method of transportation that requires only the faintest amount of input, allows his brain to partially atrophy; unfortunately the first brain function to go is reason, then self-control and accountability, and finally coordination. His lack of exercise and the driving position he spends his days in causes cramps and general discomfort that makes him irritable and unpredictable. A passing cyclist makes an ideal target for his angst as he is the very opposite of the driver; smart, fit, and smiling. Most motorists are able to refrain from driving their cars into the cyclists, but many of them cannot help but to scream at the cyclists in a vain and awkward attempt to transfer some of their anguish. The following is a list of some of the more common phrases used by motorists, along with the message they are actually trying to convey.

MOVE OVER ASSHOLE! - Excuse me please; one of the hemorrhoids I've accumulated from sitting on my ass so much has popped and I need to get home and towel myself off stat!

WOOOOOO! - Wow, you inspire me so much I just want to shout; if only I wasn't completely retarded and lacking in wit I would say something worthwhile.

GET A CAR! - Pardon, but your choice of transportation makes me look lazy and stupid, could you please get a car so that I don't look like such moron while I'm paying $3.75 a gallon for gas.

NICE ASS! - Nice ass.

FAGGOT! - I'm sorry but your sculpturesque physique makes me happy in my pants.

GET OFF THE ROAD! - see "Move over asshole"

I hope this has helped. Happy biking.

8 comments:

Yokota Fritz said...

Your illustration suggests a reason why motor vehicles are getting so much larger these days.

Dr. Logan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr. Logan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr. Logan said...

In that fat guy's defense, he probably rides a recumbent.

Anonymous said...

I think he gets good gas mileage 'cause he pedals it, obviously. - Erimom

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