7.08.2007

Driver Speak - A translation guide


Every cyclist with a few miles under their belt has been yelled at by passing motorists at least a million times. Sometimes they throw things too. I can't do anything about that, but I can help you to understand what they are trying to tell you with their seemingly meaningless outbursts. You see, the motorist, in choosing a method of transportation that requires only the faintest amount of input, allows his brain to partially atrophy; unfortunately the first brain function to go is reason, then self-control and accountability, and finally coordination. His lack of exercise and the driving position he spends his days in causes cramps and general discomfort that makes him irritable and unpredictable. A passing cyclist makes an ideal target for his angst as he is the very opposite of the driver; smart, fit, and smiling. Most motorists are able to refrain from driving their cars into the cyclists, but many of them cannot help but to scream at the cyclists in a vain and awkward attempt to transfer some of their anguish. The following is a list of some of the more common phrases used by motorists, along with the message they are actually trying to convey.

MOVE OVER ASSHOLE! - Excuse me please; one of the hemorrhoids I've accumulated from sitting on my ass so much has popped and I need to get home and towel myself off stat!

WOOOOOO! - Wow, you inspire me so much I just want to shout; if only I wasn't completely retarded and lacking in wit I would say something worthwhile.

GET A CAR! - Pardon, but your choice of transportation makes me look lazy and stupid, could you please get a car so that I don't look like such moron while I'm paying $3.75 a gallon for gas.

NICE ASS! - Nice ass.

FAGGOT! - I'm sorry but your sculpturesque physique makes me happy in my pants.

GET OFF THE ROAD! - see "Move over asshole"

I hope this has helped. Happy biking.

9 comments:

Fritz said...

Your illustration suggests a reason why motor vehicles are getting so much larger these days.

Dr. Logan said...
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Dr. Logan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr. Logan said...

In that fat guy's defense, he probably rides a recumbent.

Anonymous said...

I think he gets good gas mileage 'cause he pedals it, obviously. - Erimom

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